What were you scared of?
And what happened?
I decided not to be.
Simple as that?
Simple as that.
This is a conversation between James and his counselor, Joanne, just before he walks out of the best rehab centre in US, after submitting to more than a decade of drugs and alcohol.
Is it as simple as that? I wonder at times, sometimes with amusement, sometimes with apparent shock and sometimes just like that.
This post isn’t a review of how good or bad A Million Little Pieces is. It is good. Savlon good.
This is about how I relate to substance abuse in the most far fetched manner possible. No,seriously. Elongate a chewing gum to its elastic limit and let it break. This will still remain far fetched. This one is about how a person reached the bottom of a bottomless pit and climbed his way back again. This one is about how I would love to do that someday. Now… maybe!
I feel like I have been squeezed and drained a million times over. I am scared. Savlon scared. A conversation with a pighead is responsible for this current frame of mind. The urge to write about it is perhaps credited to James Frey. I admire his simple philosophy in life. AA took years to get to where it is. He defied and denied it in one flying moment. He chose to disregard the power of the Higher Self and the Twelve steps. He chose to ignore the headiness of crystal meth and Kentucky Bourbon. He was patient, patient enough to let his mud separate from the deep blue water.
There are tears running down Lilly’s cheek and she is smiling at me. It is a deep smile, not the type of momentary happiness, but the rare kind that comes when something inside without words is woken from slumber and brought forth to live.
Makes me smile. Widely..that is!
Substance abuse? I think all of us have done it at some point in time. I have, when I stuff myself with chocolate even though my mouth feels awfully sweet…sickly sweet! When I sleep the whole day and days at length…just to sleep! I am one hell of an emotional eater and what better substance abuse than that? God save my spleen and the various gastro enteric organs when it comes to a heightened sense of emotion, specifically grief! I cry, cry it all out…an attempt to flush….flush and burn and delete. Seldom does it happen though. Some part of the grief grows on to me and just refuses to let go. Icy tentacles, more like stalactites..haha! That proves I did not shirk my Geography classes back in school.
I fight myself over and over. Time has disappeared. I sit on my hands. I start to cry. Not sobs, just tears streaming down my face through my closed eyes. Tears from effort and tears from stress and tears from fear. This is a Savlon nightmare. Worse than a nightmare.
As disconnected I feel from this feeling, there is a connect in disconnect and one cannot help but ignore it.
Today is one terrible day. It is almost as if one lifetime just passed, as if one part of me just died, as if death were visible on such close quarters. Strangulated, suffocated and tonsured! A brittle mass….A million little pieces!
P.S: Replace Savlon with the word “Fuck”. I seem to be hugely prejudiced against it though Frey has done his bit in removing some of it. I always restricted myself with the usage of the word. Though after this book, I realize its more to do with the literal emphasis of a statement than the dictionary meaning of the word 😀
Why Savlon? Because I see a bottle of it right in front of me!
The words in italics are taken from the text of the book.
A request…an order- Do a favor to yourself, to the people around you and to humanity in general.. Get a Savlon copy of the book and read it! 😛